The right thing to say

What do you say when someone close to you or someone you know has lost their child? 

In all honesty, it is hard to think about what to say. Everyone is different in how they respond to grief. Here is what you should say though: something, anything. 

Your silence does not go unnoticed. Your lack of acknowledging that your friend or family or loved one has had the gift of a beautiful child does not go unnoticed. 

If I had a penny for every person who has sent a message through someone, or telepathically or however to say "I wanted to say something but I was scared, unsure, I didn't know what to say". Here is some heartfelt advice: saying nothing is not an option. Saying nothing is just as bad as saying the wrong thing.

Empathy is an important skill that as humans, we need to learn. You don't grow up to be empathetic towards others by default. Nobody is just born seeping with empathy. Nobody naturally knows what to say when another is in pain that they don't fully understand, having had the benefit of not living through it themselves. You learn to be empathetic towards the needs of others. But how? Just like you learn to do a lot of other things- you read about it if you need, you ask for advice from others but most importantly, you reach out to another human and take their hand in yours and say "I am trying to understand your pain".

Take a moment and think about the pain of losing a child. It isn't just that you gave birth to a baby who lived inside you for nine months; a baby who you grew to love without seeing, without conditions and without prejudice. It isn't just that losing a child is a pain so deep that there is no name for your identity after. You aren't an orphan or a widow, you are a sort of invisible parent. Parenting a baby who doesn't exist in the existing physical realm. Living amongst civilised society who puts an emphasis on the tangible. Coping with missing a part of yourself. Surviving through milestones and birthdays and anniversaries thinking each second of every day "I long for you". The pain is neither diminished with time nor ever disappears entirely. How does one respond to such a deep chasm of pain? 

The answer is gently, somehow, anyhow. 

Reach out and ask that question, "how are you doing?" 

Reach out and ask that parent about their child. It isn't painful to talk about their child, it is far, far more painful to cope with their child being ignored. 

Reach out today and try and understand someone else's pain and put a hand in their hand to say that you don't want how to say it perfectly perhaps, but you do care. 

Just do it.