A new kind of happiness

As the dust settles, every day through the grief we learn something new. 

The most important lesson I learnt as the clock struck midnight and a new year began? Happiness comes in many various and different forms. 

I used to think pure happiness would only happen if we were a family of three. My soulmate, my beautiful baby and me. I have come to realise that life sends you many surprises and bumps along the way to teach you that happiness comes in many forms. 



The hardest thing I have ever had to go through is having our lovely boy pass away in our arms and leave this world, leaving us stuck behind clutching at straws on how to cope. The grief was so intense and so surreal at first, there were days I wasn't sure I could ever be the same again. 

I have since learnt that I will never be the same again. I am forever changed. I am a mother now. My happiness has been re-defined but it still exists and it still makes me smile everyday. I gave birth to a magical and wonderful little boy who stuck around just long enough so I had a chance to appreciate true happiness. 

The true happiness that isn't selfish or egotistical or derived from needs and wants. A happiness that is content and grateful, pleased with the small wins and strong enough to see the bigger picture.

My happiness comes from knowing my son existed, that I helped to bring him into this world and then helped him to make his transition to the next world. 

My happiness comes from having a heart filled with joy at the thought of how sweet and adorable he was. 

My happiness comes from admiration at the thought of what a strong little fighter he was. His courage and strength, despite his tiny external appearance always makes me so proud. 

Ultimately, I have found a new kind of happiness. Rather than all the things I missed out on or didn't get to see for long or at all, I dwell on all the things I got to do, all the memories we got to make, all the lessons I got to learn. 

It has been a humbling experience and as the grief starts to find its place in my new world, I find more and more happiness in the little things. I find myself smiling at the thought of his little fingers, his chubby little arms and his cute button nose. I find myself overwhelmed with love at the thought of his perfectly waved hair, so like his dad's, or his teeny, tiny fingernails. 

More than anything, I find myself so happy and so grateful that when he left, he didn't take a part of me with him. He never left me a shell of a human, depressed or stricken with trauma. Instead he left a part of himself with me. He left me a richer, better, more generous, more thoughtful, more considerate and more enlightened person. He left me the ability to laugh and smile despite missing him so. He left me the chance to find a new kind of happiness and a new appreciation for every living breathe I take. 

How can you not be happy with a son like that?