A new kind of happiness

As the dust settles, every day through the grief we learn something new. 

The most important lesson I learnt as the clock struck midnight and a new year began? Happiness comes in many various and different forms. 

I used to think pure happiness would only happen if we were a family of three. My soulmate, my beautiful baby and me. I have come to realise that life sends you many surprises and bumps along the way to teach you that happiness comes in many forms. 

Life is beautiful

Almost two months ago our beautiful little boy Idrees left us to join a band of similarly blessed babies in Heaven.

Motherhood is the greatest blessing I have ever received and Idrees will always be my most special little one. We miss him every single moment but also realise how very blessed we are to have someone so cute in our lives who makes saying goodbye, for now, so hard.

Our son was on this planet for five days but the lessons he has taught all those who have known him have touched our lives for a lifetime.

Everyday since has been a reminder that life is short, but very beautiful. Remember that life is too special to spend it worrying or stressed or upset.

Embrace every single day with a grateful heart and a positive mindset and watch how the beauty of this life takes you by surprise, giving you a reason to smile everyday.

Whatever troubles keep you up at night, my only wish is that I hope you find peace, contentment and perspective.

Make every moment count, you only get one chance to make your life worthwhile.

His story: Part two

Birth

On the 4th of November 2014 Idrees graced us with his presence. He arrived 3 weeks before his due date via an emergency c-section. S was incredibly brave and strong throughout the whole pregnancy and moreso during labour. She didn’t complain once and seemed to enjoy it all, including every symptom or contraction she had. We hadn’t realised at the time but through his time in utero, our son gave us so many wins. To even make it to birth here was a blessing in its own right. Some couples yearn all their life to know and feel a baby’s kick in the womb. We bonded so closely with Idrees in his safe haven, once he was out it felt like we had known him a while.

Once the prompt and well-considered decision for the c-section was made, S was taken in first into the operating theatre for the spinal injection and I was asked to wait in a small room. I remember thinking at that moment that the selfish life that I had lived to that point was officially done. I realised that I would very soon have a new purpose in life and that was to be as good a role model for my son and make mine and my family’s time on this planet count.

The operation took only a couple of minutes from start to baby’s birth. When Idrees came out we heard a roar of a cry. Instantly Sanam and I were in tears with joy. Even though I have always wanted to be a dad, I never felt entitled enough to think I would be lucky enough to hear my son’s cry. I will never forget that moment; it will always be the truly best moment in my life.

His story: Part One

Although fathers are often as completely involved and invested in their children’s lives as the mothers are, their stories are often unheard, especially when it comes to high risk pregnancies, in utero diagnosis and subsequent birth and infant loss. I asked A to offer his perspective, a father’s perspective, on our journey with the hope that his thoughts may help men out there dealing with something similar. This is his story.

The perfect life

Everyday, a little easier.

Why not me?

Today I had a breakthrough moment. A friend said she couldn't understand why bad things happen to good people and she found it remarkable I hadn't said "why me?" 

It made me think how deeply grateful I am for genetics, life experience, nature, nurture, learned behaviours, innate sensibility, whatever it is that makes each of us unique and makes our noggins work the way they do. 

I have never once thought "why me?" or "why us?" because it would insinuate that this whole experience and Idrees' existence was something to regret; something bad.

I can't imagine considering Idrees' birth and death as a 'bad thing'.

We have been incredibly blessed. 

We didn't for a second think "why us" when he curled his little hand around our fingers or when we got to cuddle him and he fell asleep happy as can be. 

We didn't think "why us" when he was born safely and let out the most almightily loud cry and scored 9 on his Apgar score. 

So if we're willing to take all the good, we can't exactly then turn around and say "why us" when things go down.

A part of me feels odd when people say "I am sorry for your loss". It is hard to articulate how little of a loss this is and how much of a gain the whole experience has been. 

All we wanted was a little win- I wanted to feel a baby kick, to see a baby wriggle around in a scan, to be able to give birth, to call another soul my own and know that I housed him for 9 odd months, to know that I was a mother. 

We got every win. He was not a loss, he was a huge , huge win.

What next?

So it has been two weeks almost since Baby Idrees arrived and then promptly left us too. 

My mum arrived two days after the funeral and my sister arrived a few days later. My sister stayed for five days and it was actually really nice having them here. My mum is here for another 10 days and once she heads back, my six week post c-section recovery milestone will be crossed and A will be back at work. 

We have just been trying to pick up the pieces and wonder how best to approach our lives after everything that has happened. 

We still feel so blessed and grateful to have had our baby boy for the five days we had him and to be given the gift of being parents. 

He may not be around but we will forever be his mum and dad. We both wanted, more than anything in this world, to just become a mother and father. We may not have the sleep deprivation, late night feeds, warm cuddles, occasional giggles and endless stream of nappy changes and babygro washing but do these things define parenthood any more than what we have been through?